For the Times They are a Changing

Canoodling on my eternal discontent

I appreciate those of you who have stayed subscribed through my various writing hiatuses. I am trying to be more consistent but sometimes life happens and it becomes hard. Sure, I could probably not blackout most Fridays and lose my entire weekend to rotting in bed or I could choose to write over watching ASMR cooking videos while I wait for my UberEats, but I have a lot going on! Of course most of you are my friends who feel obliged to stay subscribed (and why wouldn’t you? You owe an unpayable debt to me for the countless fond memories I have given you; and you probably would prefer me not to write so I won’t have stuff to quiz you on as a test of our friendship the next time I see you. Nonetheless, thanks for sticking around, I’m fucking back... for at least a week or two.

Anyways...

A few weeks ago I interviewed for a role that I thought would change my life. Going into it I had no expectations that needed to be met. Before I interviewed I’d hardly given any thought to a role like it which involved moving to the Middle East and starting a different career path than my current one. As I prepped, I inevitably procrastinated by going down rabbit holes of understanding what my life would be like there to, anything to avoid actually studying the technical material. Scrolling on the internet, as I learned more about the possibilities it had to offer, I imagined a life of extravagance where I altered my entire personality to be this worldly figure who simultaneously found sacrosanct peace and enviable wealth in a foreign land. If I got this job I would be a completely different person. That was exciting. Then I did not get the job and the person I’d imagined I could be, would never be and it was painful. For like 3 days¹.

In settling back into acceptance of my current life I realized that hope of recreation for a couple week period gave me more sense of purpose than I have had in a long time. I felt good being in pursuit of this different life while neglecting the reality that I more likely than not would have gotten there and felt the exact same I do now with a familiar longing for another change once it became my reality. I’d probably have hated it, but it was that hope that everything could be different that made it exciting. And in that case it is possible that the best of that reality would have been getting to live with the illusion for a couple months that everything was going to change and then when it materialized I’d be back to normal. Coming to this made me feel as though the only hope in life is to have delusional ideas that some situation will be different and alter your existence when in reality nothing ever will. I’m not sure if I am a particularly discontent person, but it appears to me that everyone feels close this way.

I can say this from separating these ideas from myself and putting them in a political frame. It has become apparent to me that in modern America it does not matter what your political affiliation is or specific policies are. The dominant force in politics and life is the one charged by the perception it is more equipped to encourage change. This is because people are inherently discontent and will always revert to desiring something different than they have. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways, with the only constant being change. In the most recent election cycle (and apparent dismantling of the Democratic Party) we saw what was once considered the progressive, forward thinking party accepting of new ideas shift into being the establishment, regulators inhibiting change. For example, the narrative around climate change had initially been that we need to evolve our technology and way of life to be more conscious which gained significant support from the masses through the 2010s. However as these ideas became stale and no material changes transpired, particularly for those that common people struggling to get by everyday felt, this agenda became associated with regulation limiting access to resources that inhibits access and overall progress². When the progressive party became associated with limiting progress and therefore change it lost favor and the conservative one which preached broad reformation (even though much of it is tied to a reversion to antiquated ideology) the population was inevitably drawn in their direction, to the larger changing force. It appears that the means or ultimate result of that change are irrelevant. People are simply inherently discontent and that will lead them to desire whatever is considered more different than the current reality.

The issue is that to always be of the approach that change is both good and must be constant, is exhausting, ungrateful and leads to a confusing inconsistency in life. What I cannot tell is if I will always be the same person in any reality in which case I should pursue improvement in my current situation or if I have yet to find the right path for myself and should continue to search for that through significant changes until I find it. I run into the question of if I am on a constant quest to be a hotter, more successful version of myself or I am trapped in looking for alternative versions that may fit me better and give me satisfaction. The former being a linear path of self evolution versus the latter which is a destruction and complete recreation. Perhaps I do not need to deal in such absolutes and I (and we) will inevitably be a moderate version of both in that case. However this raises the issue of not changing at all. Knowing that simply staying the same does not appear to be a path to satisfaction, making changes in moderation seems too immaterial to create the transformation we are seeking. Changing the world appears to be a good plan, until you learn that there are reasons the world is the way that it is. That is why we can’t just see indiscriminate change as good, but we can never know real world outcomes without making changes with unknown consequences.

I have yet to find what I believe to be my one true desire in any aspect of life. At best I have found short term ideas that appear to be the logical alternative to my current reality and maybe even do provide that satisfaction for a period, but it fades into normality over time and discontent creeps back in its place. Perhaps I am young enough to continue searching for alternate paths. On the other hand if I could just commit to one then I could start to make progress and maximize that route.

Clearly I am not coming to any answers in writing this and could thought spiral here to no conclusion for eternity. One of my friends just texted me to get drinks so I am done. Cheers!

1. Through Wednesday I thought it was a bummer and by Thursday I realized fuck it, my life is pretty good. It helped that I got asked to go on a bar crawl, ate a delicious pastry and had a good chat with my mentor. All of which made my desires for something else dissipate despite feeling like it was the end of the world just a day before. I suppose it was lucky that good things followed my failure to allow me to distract myself and reaffirm my hope for life. Whether that was a function of having an altered perspective that allowed for positive things to be perceived as such or randomness of the universe, statistically helped by having other things in my life that could be going well, I am unsure.

2. even if it is coal powered and ethnocentric